How to find a different path

Its been a while. As usually, maybe soon I will start blogging more regularly.

Its that time, a decision was made. And I am hurt with the decision. I knew this would happen but I hung on to maybe it won't. Now I'm slightly shattered and I don't know where to go from here.

Its time to find other things. Maybe get back into writing and blogging more. Maybe get involved in the girls schools when Abigail starts.

Hopefully date nights, vacations and family things will happen more often, probably once next year starts.

Once I get surgery done I will probably feel better. I won't be torn. It would be nice if my businesses actually kicked off well. It would be a good distraction. I will probably be losing one come January, I don't think it will be worth me switching to the new way.

I just want to stop sporadically crying or feeling down. I didn't want this to happen and it did.

Well. Its been a while lol. A lot has happened. I entered sobriety after a huge issue. Which doing so has helped a lot.

I started a second business and im trying to get both of mine going. Hopefully 2019 will be my year to build them

We are finally buying a new house. I can't wait for it all to be done.

Oh how does this work?

I don't even know where to start.

I did not expect to start the year off like this.

Maybe I never got the assurance I needed. The proof that what has happened is it. I want to believe so bad, but how without proof or assurance?

In the end it will all be worth it, but the end is so far away. How do I get by until then?

How do I know it will be okay? How do I know that everything will be okay?

I don't know how to do this.. how to make it. I do what I can but I feel like its not enough. :/ maybe I just really care this time.

Even tho time home happens, it doesn't make the leaving any easier. I try so hard to be okay, but I'm not quite sure I am.

How does this work? How can I be okay? How can I carry about alone for temporary?

Welcome to the world Peyton Ann Marie

Peyton Ann Marie’s birth story

August 7, 2014.

                Around 9pm on August 6^th I felt like I had wet myself, I went to go change and saw that there was a smallish leak, it was really water and did not have the scent of urine. I wasn’t feeling anything else so I figured it may have just been discharge just a little more liquid than the previous mucus.  About 20 minutes later it happened again. Once I changed, I still wasn’t feeling pain but I called the office anyway to speak with the on call doctor. He told me to go to l&d and have them swab me for amniotic fluid. So I tried calling my mom while gathering everything so its all close. She wasn’t answering so I was going to say forget taking everything I’m just going to take the Aveo and go. Well as I walked out the door my mom called me back, I told her I was bringing BradLee and going to the hospital. She told me she’d come get me, I told her if she could hurry then fine… She did not hurry. I was so pissed, by time she got to me, I could have already had BradLee at her house and me to the hospital. While waiting for her I started hurting a lot, mainly a pelvic pressure, and I yet again leaked more.  I had already texted Sam, and I knew it’d be a little while before anything really happened, so I told him to go ahead and wait till 10 to close the store, then meet me at Willis Knighton South. When my mom got her I saw AJ with her as well. So my sister is what slowed her down in leaving, and she stayed at the speed limit on the interstate. AJ kept getting mad at me because I was not about to sit there and changed the radio station for her after every song, I told her it was staying here and she has a phone she can use.

                I got to the hospital at the same time as Sam, which I figured with how my mom was driving. I know he pushed my car pretty fast and hard on the interstate. I told my mom to just go home, She asked if I was sure. I told her I could guarantee Sam was here, and as we pulled up to the ER side he had texted me asking where I was. So me and Sam went to an admin to get her to register me. She called L&D to tell them I was here and I thought my water broke, then she admitted me and took us up with me in a wheel chair. Once up there they took me to one side of the unit, its where everyone pre term and not in active labor go to get checked out. Once we got situated on the bed they swabbed me and took blood. The monitor wasn’t picking up contractions because I wasn’t having any just yet. Probably about 30 minutes later the swab came back positive for amniotic fluid. So they moved me to labor and delivery since we now had the 24 hour limit to give birth. My GBS came back negative nor positive, so they hooked me up to fluids and antibiotics, as well as gave me demerol. By this time it was around 1am.  Hayden, Sam’s best friend came up there for a while and hung out with us, I finally started contracting but not much. I was now 6cm dilated but not going any more. Since it was going to be a little while after hanging out some he went home.

                When I had come to the hospital I had texted Sam’s Ganny, and Aunt KK, as well as his dad. His Aunt KK didn’t get any of the messages till like 4am, but his Ganny had responded to me and she got dressed and pretty much slept in her chair just in case she got a text in the night to come up there. After a few texts at 4am his Ganny and Aunt KK came in at 6:30 to see how I was and wait with us. Sam was still asleep some so they stood by my bed for a while just talking to me. He finally woke up after I got the Pitocin. At about 7:30am I still wasn’t really dilating so they gave me Pitocin. I couldn’t get any more Demerol because I needed to wait for the anesthesiologist for my epidural. It took another hour till I got that, so I had a little bit of pain I had to deal with.  I finally got the epidural and at that point I dilated to a 7. His dad and step mom finally got there around 10ish. I was in and out of sleep,  but they pretty much sat around talking, when I was awake I’d be talking too. From 10 till 2 the nurses kept changing my position to try and get me to finish dilating. Her head was ready but I wouldn’t completely dilate. I got another dose of my epidural, a slightly higher one this time, and about 15 minutes later one of my nurses decided to do some pushing on my stomach they got me to a 9.  During this one of the nurses called my doctor, everyone got sent to the waiting room, I texted Brittny who stayed in town waiting for the text and Sam texted Hayden. Another nurse got everything ready while a 3^rd nurse was going to get me ready. Sam stayed next to me the whole time while the nurse started covering me, and feeling around, the nurse had me push a few times, she saw that my water was still slightly intact, it never fully broke and that’s why I wouldn’t get to 10. She broke it then while my doctor was getting suited up fully, she had me push, at that time baby girl started crowning, the nurse was about to deliver her, so my doctor had to hurry and they swap quickly. Sam had his phone ready and as the doctor started to get her he started taking pictures while we watched the doctor. She came out easy, just a few pushes. We watched the whole thing holding hands and he took a ton of pictures of it all. She started to cry a little, but nothing really loud at first. Once the doctor cleaned her face he pulled her the rest and set her on my chest for us, while he started with the umbilical cord. The nurse took Sam’s phone and took a few pictures of us and her together, as well as Sam cutting the cord. Once it was cut and she was wiped down more, the other nurses came to take her to the bed to clean her and get her all wrapped, Sam followed her and took even more pictures of baby girl while ,my doctor delivered the placenta. Once I was ready the nurse brought her to me to put her on my chest for skin to skin.

                After a few minutes of skin to skin and me and Sam just admiring her my nurse went to the waiting room to get everyone. They all looked at her and started talking while she was on my chest, then Sam grabbed her to hold her for his first time. The smile he had when he grabbed her was priceless, it was amazing, warmed my heart so much to see. After we visited for a bit everyone went to smoke and wait in our actual room for us. Sam and the nurse had to help me get into the wheel chair, since the epidural was still full on working in my system. Once in our room we had to wait a few hours for the nursery to take care of her and feed her. We spent the time just talking, waiting for her. They brought her in the room late, so no one stayed long enough. She got to stay in the room with us though, which was nice.

                Watching Sam with her has been amazing. He was very attentive in the hospital and he still is at home. I can’t express how happy it makes me to see him and her. To have this whole experience, this whole pregnancy has been so much better than my other two. It’s amazing, all I’ve ever wanted out of life was an actual family, someone who truly loves me, children. He’s taken on my two boys as a step parent amazingly, and we’ve added to our family.

Stats: Peyton Ann Marie.  5lb 3oz. 17in long. August 7^th, 2014 @ 2:36pm

The hard part

I'm pretty sure what hurt more was being lied to, not the actual thing that happened.

I didn't really want both jobs to happen, and mainly the money side and that fact that it was kinda wanted made me okay with it. I did what I could to feel okay with it, but something always felt off about it. I suppose now I know why. And I'm pretty sure I worry so much more now. Never really was worried lately about things, but thats changed again. A little bit of trust lost, but can be earned back.

I have some questions, but I don't really know how or if I should ask them. Some are just out of curiousness. And some are to get to know more. I apparently don't know as much as I should. I can't say its easy to just talk about things, un sure of it yourself and what the other would think. I'm sure there's things I've thought about that I haven't said to try or anything.

I can't see how it could have been done, and have no explanation as to why. Maybe I've sucked lately, maybe it was an emotional way to feel better. Maybe thinking it could fix emotional and physical things at home. I don't know. Maybe I've just been hurt by things enough that I can't see how it could be done. Emotionally cheating, physically cheating, they hurt differently.

I've felt unattractive lately, I still kinda do. Tried to feel better about myself, but seeing some of those profile pictures have made it stay. Not like I saw any of those pictures posted for others to see either.

I can't take this

How can I believe? So much of it links to it.  The way the conversations go,  the location,  the wants.  2 pictures are on it,  that are only on the phone.  Not posted anywhere for someone to take and use...  The other picture I can't find anywhere.  Most likely uploaded to it then deleted from the phone.  So saying its someone else is bs,  I just can't see how. 

I can't find any trace of it being deleted,  which means its traces were removed.  Meaning most likely all the posts were made with something to hide the trace.

If Im not enough just tell me. If you need someone to satisfy once,  just tell me.  I don't want to be hurt again.  If it truely is you just admit to it.  Lying makes it worse in the end,  I just want the truth.  Even if it will hurt me,  it can be made up for. 

I had a feeling 2 jobs would be a problem. Wanted more time from me I guess.  Maybe it turns you on to know you're secured with someone at home,  and you'd like to have a side. 

Im so scared.  And hurt that you would lie to me about it.  I don't want to be cheated on again. 

Another year

Eventually I'll keep up with this regularly.

This year has been pretty good. The first of the year me and Sam found out we were expecting, my third and his first. Another addition to our family =]. Due September 7th, but anytime after August 17th is when we expect our little princess. It's a girl! I'm really excited to finally have a girl. The boys seem okay with adding, I'm sure nothing will be certain till she actually gets here. BradLee I don't think fully gets the concept of a baby coming.

I'm currently working at the North Market store, still a SAM there. But I'm with David again, who I loved working with before. I've been there since Superbowl week and it's been great being with him again. If I don't move up any more, I'd be find working with him at a store. Once we get separated though I'm not sure how I'll feel.

Me and Sam picked up one of our first joint purchases, also a step to us being one. My 2014 Subaru Impreza WRX wagon. We've had her since January and I'm still absolutely in love with her. I love that we chose to get her. I know he'd probably have much rather had his car replaced, but he chose to take care of mine first.

Addition to the family

2013 brought a new family member. Meet Nymphadora, our new black kitten. We picked her up about a week ago, and she's settled in just fine. She's afraid of our Chinchilla. BradLee torments her, and she sleeps with us. She's pretty playful at the moment.

Since I put off moving back home this summer, right now I'm aiming for vacation at the end of November. I really would like to go to the L.A. Auto Show, it falls the last week of November, I'll have vacation built at work as long as I don't use it when I get it in May, and it'll put me away from here for Thanksgiving. BradLee will be a year older by then so a lay over flight will be easier hopefully, if I travel alone I need it easy, and he can enjoy Disney even more. We can spend Thanksgiving day there, maybe have a dinner at my dad's, if he's still living there then.

I need to actually put to paper or Word my mod list for my car, I'm going to save for parts for it as well as vacation when I can. I need to open a savings account soon to stash money away in. I hot 90,000 in her the other day, which also means to put money away to start replacing things that will need to be at 100,000. That'll be a good time to add an oil cooler, something I've wanted for a little while now.

Hello 2013

All I can say is I'm glad 2012 is over. It was probably the worst year I could have ever had.

I wanted to do a wrap up of the year, but its just not worth it. I enjoyed my trips to Cali and Oklahoma, I plan to go back to both this year. The holiday season ended up being a decent one for me, things started to look up. Now if only they stay up this year.

BradLee turned 3! and Myles turned 6. I can't believe it's been 6 years since Myles arrived. It doesn't seem like it should be that long.

For the first time in 4 years I bought stuff for my self aside from just books. I also got to do more of what I wanted.

Goals for this year are to get back into my writing like I was, I submitted a piece for the Fandoms for storms, and I realized how much I missed writing. I also plan to read more, I missed my goal horrible last year for books read in a year. I lowered the goal this year by a little bit so maybe I can get back into reading like I used to.

This year I get to legally become a single woman, by finalizing my divorce, which I can't wait to do. Only 79 more days till we can petition for a court date. By Feb I'll see a lawyer and get cost so once I have my taxes I can get papers done. Plus I don't have to worry about him just taking BradLee if he ever decides to. Tho I don't think he will, He hasn't seen him since August. I made the effort on Thanksgiving and he didn't show, He made no effort for Christmas either.

I don't know what 2013 has in store, but I entered it with  my boys, maybe it will be a good year.

First wreck ever

So BradLee kept running a fever so I made an appt. to take him to the doctor. On the way to get lunch before we go I got rear ended. There was a car between me and Ross. At a red light, it turned green, the first car goes, the second car stops to make an illegal u-turn, then the car in front of me stops, so I do, the car behind me doesn't. So he collided with me and pushed me to the car in front of me. His damage is pretty good, mine is minor from what I can see, probably new bumpers. If I can I'm going to get a whole paint job. And I hit the car in front, she just had the imprint of my now dented up HK front plate. Her car was the least damaged.

After getting BradLee to the doctor, he has flaringitis or some crap associated with Strep but isn't strep its self, I went to the Quick care. They didn't give me anything for my pain though. After I had dinner with Ross's grandma, parents and Brother, then I got his meds and stopped at a friends to get Tylonal 3. Ross stayed home, which kinda bothers me. I could sure use some loving and stuff tonight.

He took care of BradLee while I went to Quick care, he even had to take him to his grandmas. It made me happy that he offered to keep him at his house instead of sitting at the hospital with me. It seems he did good, BradLee was happy and good.

What do you do?

When there isn't enough time in the day?

I honestly do not understand how single mom's can do it so well! School and full time work together are so much for me, I hardly get to see BradLee and it kills me =[. I should be done with school in December though, which is so close, I can not wait! Maybe if the cost of living wasn't so high versus the pay the average person makes here.

Tips have been sucking lately, so that also take a hit. I wish I could tell people we DO work for them and we DO make $4.15/hr not the minimum wage where tips are extra. But we aren't allowed to unless the customer asks. It doesn't help that the new stores opened, so cutting out area down left a lot of the hood, where people don't tip. I hate putting labels but most of my stiffs are from a certain race in the hood.

I want to move into town, but I don't think I'll be able to afford it. Everything is out of my range.

Book Review: The Vampire Academy Series

The Vampire Academy- Richelle Mead

synopsis-
Two races of vampires walk our world. The Moroi are alive and wield elemental magical, while the Strigoi are undead and evil--feeding on the innocent to survive. Rose Hathaway--a half-vampire with poor impulse control--is training to be a bodyguard for a Moroi princess. Learning to decapitate and stake is hard enough, but Rose's real danger may lie in an illicit romance with one of her instructors... (Source: Author's website)

I have to say, this series was amazing. I have gotten over the vampire trend, moving on to other books to read. I came across these and decided to give it a try, it is not just like every other vampire series out there. It's different, in a good way. Richelle did really well with the writing, she doesn't sugar coat anything, like some other YA authors do.

Rose is the main character, she is a female heroine, but she's got a lot too her, that makes her not typical to most who do have female heroines. Along with Rose, is a whole line of characters, many you will probably fall in love with. Even if they pop up small, they will most likely be back. She doesn't just write them in there then throw them away, they almost always come back. I would like to briefly talk about them, but this would probably end up turning into a novel. There were many that I fell in love with (Adrian, Christan, Mason, Eddie, Sydney, etc.).

I started reading vampire books not too long ago. I believe Twilight was my first (I know, not a good one to start with, but I did move to better ones.). But I am not a vampire fan. However, in this series, there are the "good" and the "bad" vampires, and they are realistic, not the "sparkly" or any other kind. I love how their world is set up, they interact with humans, but live in secret. The Alchemists are a great addition to it as well.

These books feature a lot of themes to them, they are action packed with plots. I started with the first one, by time I got to the third one, I couldn't put them down. I constantly read them, even when I should have been doing other things. I stayed up quite a bit at night as well to read them. They are far from typical vampire books, they are better. Worth your money and your time. I've started the spin off series "Bloodlines", which I can not wait for the second book to come out later this year. However, I'm pretty sure I will be coming back to these books in the near future, as well as purchasing my own print copy of these books to sit on my bookshelf with my other favorite books.

It's 2012!

And the world is going to end!


I really don't believe that. Anyway, I'm going to try and actually use this more! Even if I'm just posting book reviews or other things I do online.

I'm glad its another year, but at the same time I'm not. November and December are my favorite time of the year, I'm so sad its over! But that means a new countdown for me!

I've been working since the first week of December. I'm not going to lie, I really hate it lol I would be very content being a stay at home mom, but we could use the extra money, so I guess I'll just deal with it. Right now I'm working at Freds. I hope by time I graduate or by the beginning of 2013 I'll have a office job or a dealership job. I really hate having my schedule vary, I want a steady 8-5 job or something.

For New years eve, I went to my Aunts. We had a little party there, part of it was spent looking for Jon's dog since someone let him out! He was heartbroken, Several left with cars to look for him. And no one actually found him, he appeared from nowhere! No one has any idea where he came from, but at least we got him back. After there I stopped by Dominos' to see Corey at midnight, He was on a delivery, so I kissed BradLee =] There was a wreck across from Domino's tho. It was a single car, assuming they were drunk. They sped out of the trailor park and hit the ditch, flipping their truck.

New years day, I worked 10-3:30. After there me and the boys went to my GrandMas for Dinner. We had cabbage, mashed potatos, rolls, black eyed peas, and some pork. I only ate the cabbage and mashed potatos. Pretty much everyone was gone by 7pm. Sweet Home Alabama came on at 8:30 tho, so I had to stay! lol My grandma, nana Alta, and Uncle Benny all watched it with me!

It's supposed to be fall

Where are you fall? Why is it still 90 degrees most days now? Some nights you get below 70's, but those should be highs, lows should be in the 40's. It's October, is it going to be warm on Halloween? Or maybe even Christmas? I'd like to feel like its this time of year.

School has started back, and it's already annoying. They dropped English 2, so I have 2 classes, technically. One of my classes is only 6 weeks, so the last 6 weeks its a different class. I have Marketing, Word (first 6 weeks), and Excel (second 6 weeks).Why is there such a thick book for Word? I mean it's word... I'm curious to know what's in this book that I have yet to learn, I've been using word since like middle school. I understand the Excel book being thick but word? My Marketing book has an iPhone on it. >.> So far the class seems okay, I have to partner up with someone because we have to do a marketing plan.

I have had no luck in the job search so far. I really don't want to apply for retail, because of the holiday's I probably won't get hired due to my limited availability, nor do I want to work weekends, but it's seeming so hard to get an office job. I applied to one, but they keep re-posting the ad on Craigslist, so I guess I don't qualify for it or something? I don't know. I applied for one today, but he said he's had several call already, so I'm guessing it's not likely I'll get it. I'm sure one of those other people will be more qualified than me. Having just delivery on my resume I think is making it harder.

It's September!

You know what's awesome? It's only 78 degrees outside right now! It's rained some, not a lot, but its still nice to have some. Just Thursday it was over 100 outside and now we've dropped to low 80's and high 70's! I hope it continues to drop, I love the fall weather we get!
I really need to quit pushing off my business plan. I've got to stop by Chevy and talk to them about a truck, so I have numbers. It's due on the 20th. Finals are the 27th and 28th. I can't wait, even tho I only get a week off. It's a break, and then new classes! So over my Intro to Computers class. I need to read for accounting too, its a independent study,so I have to really teach it to myself.

There's 112 days till Christmas lol I've had a countdown since like June >.> Only 78 days till Mine and Corey's 2nd anniversary! Not sure what we're doing yet. Probably go eat somewhere, and probably a movie. Breaking Dawn part 1 comes out a few days before it!

I've been reading 3 books on my Kindle lol. Right now I'm reading One Day, Something Borrowed, and Twilight. I'm really liking Something Borrowed. I downloaded a lot of books recently too, I need to add some more to my kindle.

2 years old

In just under 3 hours my youngest, BradLee, will be 2 years old! I can't believe it's already 2 years *sniff sniff*

His party is tomorrow, It's Wow, Wow, Wubbzy themed. I'm sure he's going to get plenty of presents, I guess it's time to get into his room and clean it out! Get rid of the toys that he's too big for now.

I'm almost done reading 'The Nine Lives of Chloe King'. It is so different from the book, but I love it! I haven't decided what to read next, If I get 'The Lying Game' I'll probably read it first, if not then probably 'Sarah's Key' or something. I need to decide.

I finished 'Voices of Chernobyl' not too long ago, I definitely recommend it to people who are interested in that stuff. It really opens your eyes about what happened, and how people are today from it. 'No Reservations" with Anthony went there, the episode shows Monday, I'm gonna DVR it to watch it, see what its like there now.

Boo

I really need to catch up on writing my fics and reading them. Right now I'm on a break from school, I go back the 13th.

Today was pretty uneventful. I had to get my depo, where I asked the other nurse to get my nurse to do it lol she's so good at it, it doesn't even hurt! Then we went to get the windows tinted on our new to us GMC Safari. After that we went to my aunts, where Corey realized she has the same views as I do about my parents. And then we got McDonalds for dinner.

We might be getting new furniture for the living room for free!

I need an answer
Some way to understand
This feels so convincing
And a little outta hand
So tell me one thing
Who gave you all those scars
That took away your innocence
You push away with everything you are

I can't take this anymore
I'm tired of breaking
I'm tired of breaking

I want the world to see
You sold a broken dream
You were not there for me
I was Unraveling
All that we never knew
That could have been me and you
But you took everything
Now we're just here Unraveling

So here we are now
Break what's already broken
I guess I coulda seen this coming
If you'd been around
Lets tear the past wide open

I can't take this anymore
I'm tired of breaking
I'm tired of breaking

I want the world to see
You sold a broken dream
You were not there for me
I was Unraveling
All that we never knew
That could have been me and you
But you took everything
Now we're just here Unraveling

What have we become
The hopeless tonight and I think it's over
We hope to find the truth still breathing
Can we survive the low

I want the world to see
You sold a broken dream
You were not there for me
I was Unraveling

I want the world to see
You sold a broken dream
You were not there for me
I was Unraveling
All that we never knew
That could have been me and you
But you took everything
Now we're just here Unraveling

First one!

So I'm starting this up, yay! And boy do I have stuff to say.

So My Aunt in Law is Shannon. And recently she decided she was going to just quit one day, supposedly she had another job. Well She actually told our new store manager Shandon that I told her she was fired -.- which I think she was trying to get me in trouble. She also had the nerve to tell me I don't do any work and I'm lazy and shit, which is not true. I do alot more than her, and yes on a Friday where EVERYONE is at work, I'm not going to do ALL the damn work while everyone is standing around. I do ALL prep on Mon and Tues, my short days, and I get no thank your or anything from anyone who works those nights. Well she quit, and needless to say I come in the next day to open and she's there BEGGING for her job back. Great way to make yourself look like a fool, hopefully he will want to keep you.

We're getting rid of the call center at work, so Its time to hire people just to answer phones.