The hard part

I'm pretty sure what hurt more was being lied to, not the actual thing that happened.

I didn't really want both jobs to happen, and mainly the money side and that fact that it was kinda wanted made me okay with it. I did what I could to feel okay with it, but something always felt off about it. I suppose now I know why. And I'm pretty sure I worry so much more now. Never really was worried lately about things, but thats changed again. A little bit of trust lost, but can be earned back.

I have some questions, but I don't really know how or if I should ask them. Some are just out of curiousness. And some are to get to know more. I apparently don't know as much as I should. I can't say its easy to just talk about things, un sure of it yourself and what the other would think. I'm sure there's things I've thought about that I haven't said to try or anything.

I can't see how it could have been done, and have no explanation as to why. Maybe I've sucked lately, maybe it was an emotional way to feel better. Maybe thinking it could fix emotional and physical things at home. I don't know. Maybe I've just been hurt by things enough that I can't see how it could be done. Emotionally cheating, physically cheating, they hurt differently.

I've felt unattractive lately, I still kinda do. Tried to feel better about myself, but seeing some of those profile pictures have made it stay. Not like I saw any of those pictures posted for others to see either.

I can't take this

How can I believe? So much of it links to it.  The way the conversations go,  the location,  the wants.  2 pictures are on it,  that are only on the phone.  Not posted anywhere for someone to take and use...  The other picture I can't find anywhere.  Most likely uploaded to it then deleted from the phone.  So saying its someone else is bs,  I just can't see how. 

I can't find any trace of it being deleted,  which means its traces were removed.  Meaning most likely all the posts were made with something to hide the trace.

If Im not enough just tell me. If you need someone to satisfy once,  just tell me.  I don't want to be hurt again.  If it truely is you just admit to it.  Lying makes it worse in the end,  I just want the truth.  Even if it will hurt me,  it can be made up for. 

I had a feeling 2 jobs would be a problem. Wanted more time from me I guess.  Maybe it turns you on to know you're secured with someone at home,  and you'd like to have a side. 

Im so scared.  And hurt that you would lie to me about it.  I don't want to be cheated on again. 

Another year

Eventually I'll keep up with this regularly.

This year has been pretty good. The first of the year me and Sam found out we were expecting, my third and his first. Another addition to our family =]. Due September 7th, but anytime after August 17th is when we expect our little princess. It's a girl! I'm really excited to finally have a girl. The boys seem okay with adding, I'm sure nothing will be certain till she actually gets here. BradLee I don't think fully gets the concept of a baby coming.

I'm currently working at the North Market store, still a SAM there. But I'm with David again, who I loved working with before. I've been there since Superbowl week and it's been great being with him again. If I don't move up any more, I'd be find working with him at a store. Once we get separated though I'm not sure how I'll feel.

Me and Sam picked up one of our first joint purchases, also a step to us being one. My 2014 Subaru Impreza WRX wagon. We've had her since January and I'm still absolutely in love with her. I love that we chose to get her. I know he'd probably have much rather had his car replaced, but he chose to take care of mine first.

Addition to the family

2013 brought a new family member. Meet Nymphadora, our new black kitten. We picked her up about a week ago, and she's settled in just fine. She's afraid of our Chinchilla. BradLee torments her, and she sleeps with us. She's pretty playful at the moment.

Since I put off moving back home this summer, right now I'm aiming for vacation at the end of November. I really would like to go to the L.A. Auto Show, it falls the last week of November, I'll have vacation built at work as long as I don't use it when I get it in May, and it'll put me away from here for Thanksgiving. BradLee will be a year older by then so a lay over flight will be easier hopefully, if I travel alone I need it easy, and he can enjoy Disney even more. We can spend Thanksgiving day there, maybe have a dinner at my dad's, if he's still living there then.

I need to actually put to paper or Word my mod list for my car, I'm going to save for parts for it as well as vacation when I can. I need to open a savings account soon to stash money away in. I hot 90,000 in her the other day, which also means to put money away to start replacing things that will need to be at 100,000. That'll be a good time to add an oil cooler, something I've wanted for a little while now.

Hello 2013

All I can say is I'm glad 2012 is over. It was probably the worst year I could have ever had.

I wanted to do a wrap up of the year, but its just not worth it. I enjoyed my trips to Cali and Oklahoma, I plan to go back to both this year. The holiday season ended up being a decent one for me, things started to look up. Now if only they stay up this year.

BradLee turned 3! and Myles turned 6. I can't believe it's been 6 years since Myles arrived. It doesn't seem like it should be that long.

For the first time in 4 years I bought stuff for my self aside from just books. I also got to do more of what I wanted.

Goals for this year are to get back into my writing like I was, I submitted a piece for the Fandoms for storms, and I realized how much I missed writing. I also plan to read more, I missed my goal horrible last year for books read in a year. I lowered the goal this year by a little bit so maybe I can get back into reading like I used to.

This year I get to legally become a single woman, by finalizing my divorce, which I can't wait to do. Only 79 more days till we can petition for a court date. By Feb I'll see a lawyer and get cost so once I have my taxes I can get papers done. Plus I don't have to worry about him just taking BradLee if he ever decides to. Tho I don't think he will, He hasn't seen him since August. I made the effort on Thanksgiving and he didn't show, He made no effort for Christmas either.

I don't know what 2013 has in store, but I entered it with  my boys, maybe it will be a good year.

First wreck ever

So BradLee kept running a fever so I made an appt. to take him to the doctor. On the way to get lunch before we go I got rear ended. There was a car between me and Ross. At a red light, it turned green, the first car goes, the second car stops to make an illegal u-turn, then the car in front of me stops, so I do, the car behind me doesn't. So he collided with me and pushed me to the car in front of me. His damage is pretty good, mine is minor from what I can see, probably new bumpers. If I can I'm going to get a whole paint job. And I hit the car in front, she just had the imprint of my now dented up HK front plate. Her car was the least damaged.

After getting BradLee to the doctor, he has flaringitis or some crap associated with Strep but isn't strep its self, I went to the Quick care. They didn't give me anything for my pain though. After I had dinner with Ross's grandma, parents and Brother, then I got his meds and stopped at a friends to get Tylonal 3. Ross stayed home, which kinda bothers me. I could sure use some loving and stuff tonight.

He took care of BradLee while I went to Quick care, he even had to take him to his grandmas. It made me happy that he offered to keep him at his house instead of sitting at the hospital with me. It seems he did good, BradLee was happy and good.

What do you do?

When there isn't enough time in the day?

I honestly do not understand how single mom's can do it so well! School and full time work together are so much for me, I hardly get to see BradLee and it kills me =[. I should be done with school in December though, which is so close, I can not wait! Maybe if the cost of living wasn't so high versus the pay the average person makes here.

Tips have been sucking lately, so that also take a hit. I wish I could tell people we DO work for them and we DO make $4.15/hr not the minimum wage where tips are extra. But we aren't allowed to unless the customer asks. It doesn't help that the new stores opened, so cutting out area down left a lot of the hood, where people don't tip. I hate putting labels but most of my stiffs are from a certain race in the hood.

I want to move into town, but I don't think I'll be able to afford it. Everything is out of my range.