Oh how does this work?

I don't even know where to start.

I did not expect to start the year off like this.

Maybe I never got the assurance I needed. The proof that what has happened is it. I want to believe so bad, but how without proof or assurance?

In the end it will all be worth it, but the end is so far away. How do I get by until then?

How do I know it will be okay? How do I know that everything will be okay?

I don't know how to do this.. how to make it. I do what I can but I feel like its not enough. :/ maybe I just really care this time.

Even tho time home happens, it doesn't make the leaving any easier. I try so hard to be okay, but I'm not quite sure I am.

How does this work? How can I be okay? How can I carry about alone for temporary?

Welcome to the world Peyton Ann Marie

Peyton Ann Marie’s birth story

August 7, 2014.

                Around 9pm on August 6^th I felt like I had wet myself, I went to go change and saw that there was a smallish leak, it was really water and did not have the scent of urine. I wasn’t feeling anything else so I figured it may have just been discharge just a little more liquid than the previous mucus.  About 20 minutes later it happened again. Once I changed, I still wasn’t feeling pain but I called the office anyway to speak with the on call doctor. He told me to go to l&d and have them swab me for amniotic fluid. So I tried calling my mom while gathering everything so its all close. She wasn’t answering so I was going to say forget taking everything I’m just going to take the Aveo and go. Well as I walked out the door my mom called me back, I told her I was bringing BradLee and going to the hospital. She told me she’d come get me, I told her if she could hurry then fine… She did not hurry. I was so pissed, by time she got to me, I could have already had BradLee at her house and me to the hospital. While waiting for her I started hurting a lot, mainly a pelvic pressure, and I yet again leaked more.  I had already texted Sam, and I knew it’d be a little while before anything really happened, so I told him to go ahead and wait till 10 to close the store, then meet me at Willis Knighton South. When my mom got her I saw AJ with her as well. So my sister is what slowed her down in leaving, and she stayed at the speed limit on the interstate. AJ kept getting mad at me because I was not about to sit there and changed the radio station for her after every song, I told her it was staying here and she has a phone she can use.

                I got to the hospital at the same time as Sam, which I figured with how my mom was driving. I know he pushed my car pretty fast and hard on the interstate. I told my mom to just go home, She asked if I was sure. I told her I could guarantee Sam was here, and as we pulled up to the ER side he had texted me asking where I was. So me and Sam went to an admin to get her to register me. She called L&D to tell them I was here and I thought my water broke, then she admitted me and took us up with me in a wheel chair. Once up there they took me to one side of the unit, its where everyone pre term and not in active labor go to get checked out. Once we got situated on the bed they swabbed me and took blood. The monitor wasn’t picking up contractions because I wasn’t having any just yet. Probably about 30 minutes later the swab came back positive for amniotic fluid. So they moved me to labor and delivery since we now had the 24 hour limit to give birth. My GBS came back negative nor positive, so they hooked me up to fluids and antibiotics, as well as gave me demerol. By this time it was around 1am.  Hayden, Sam’s best friend came up there for a while and hung out with us, I finally started contracting but not much. I was now 6cm dilated but not going any more. Since it was going to be a little while after hanging out some he went home.

                When I had come to the hospital I had texted Sam’s Ganny, and Aunt KK, as well as his dad. His Aunt KK didn’t get any of the messages till like 4am, but his Ganny had responded to me and she got dressed and pretty much slept in her chair just in case she got a text in the night to come up there. After a few texts at 4am his Ganny and Aunt KK came in at 6:30 to see how I was and wait with us. Sam was still asleep some so they stood by my bed for a while just talking to me. He finally woke up after I got the Pitocin. At about 7:30am I still wasn’t really dilating so they gave me Pitocin. I couldn’t get any more Demerol because I needed to wait for the anesthesiologist for my epidural. It took another hour till I got that, so I had a little bit of pain I had to deal with.  I finally got the epidural and at that point I dilated to a 7. His dad and step mom finally got there around 10ish. I was in and out of sleep,  but they pretty much sat around talking, when I was awake I’d be talking too. From 10 till 2 the nurses kept changing my position to try and get me to finish dilating. Her head was ready but I wouldn’t completely dilate. I got another dose of my epidural, a slightly higher one this time, and about 15 minutes later one of my nurses decided to do some pushing on my stomach they got me to a 9.  During this one of the nurses called my doctor, everyone got sent to the waiting room, I texted Brittny who stayed in town waiting for the text and Sam texted Hayden. Another nurse got everything ready while a 3^rd nurse was going to get me ready. Sam stayed next to me the whole time while the nurse started covering me, and feeling around, the nurse had me push a few times, she saw that my water was still slightly intact, it never fully broke and that’s why I wouldn’t get to 10. She broke it then while my doctor was getting suited up fully, she had me push, at that time baby girl started crowning, the nurse was about to deliver her, so my doctor had to hurry and they swap quickly. Sam had his phone ready and as the doctor started to get her he started taking pictures while we watched the doctor. She came out easy, just a few pushes. We watched the whole thing holding hands and he took a ton of pictures of it all. She started to cry a little, but nothing really loud at first. Once the doctor cleaned her face he pulled her the rest and set her on my chest for us, while he started with the umbilical cord. The nurse took Sam’s phone and took a few pictures of us and her together, as well as Sam cutting the cord. Once it was cut and she was wiped down more, the other nurses came to take her to the bed to clean her and get her all wrapped, Sam followed her and took even more pictures of baby girl while ,my doctor delivered the placenta. Once I was ready the nurse brought her to me to put her on my chest for skin to skin.

                After a few minutes of skin to skin and me and Sam just admiring her my nurse went to the waiting room to get everyone. They all looked at her and started talking while she was on my chest, then Sam grabbed her to hold her for his first time. The smile he had when he grabbed her was priceless, it was amazing, warmed my heart so much to see. After we visited for a bit everyone went to smoke and wait in our actual room for us. Sam and the nurse had to help me get into the wheel chair, since the epidural was still full on working in my system. Once in our room we had to wait a few hours for the nursery to take care of her and feed her. We spent the time just talking, waiting for her. They brought her in the room late, so no one stayed long enough. She got to stay in the room with us though, which was nice.

                Watching Sam with her has been amazing. He was very attentive in the hospital and he still is at home. I can’t express how happy it makes me to see him and her. To have this whole experience, this whole pregnancy has been so much better than my other two. It’s amazing, all I’ve ever wanted out of life was an actual family, someone who truly loves me, children. He’s taken on my two boys as a step parent amazingly, and we’ve added to our family.

Stats: Peyton Ann Marie.  5lb 3oz. 17in long. August 7^th, 2014 @ 2:36pm

The hard part

I'm pretty sure what hurt more was being lied to, not the actual thing that happened.

I didn't really want both jobs to happen, and mainly the money side and that fact that it was kinda wanted made me okay with it. I did what I could to feel okay with it, but something always felt off about it. I suppose now I know why. And I'm pretty sure I worry so much more now. Never really was worried lately about things, but thats changed again. A little bit of trust lost, but can be earned back.

I have some questions, but I don't really know how or if I should ask them. Some are just out of curiousness. And some are to get to know more. I apparently don't know as much as I should. I can't say its easy to just talk about things, un sure of it yourself and what the other would think. I'm sure there's things I've thought about that I haven't said to try or anything.

I can't see how it could have been done, and have no explanation as to why. Maybe I've sucked lately, maybe it was an emotional way to feel better. Maybe thinking it could fix emotional and physical things at home. I don't know. Maybe I've just been hurt by things enough that I can't see how it could be done. Emotionally cheating, physically cheating, they hurt differently.

I've felt unattractive lately, I still kinda do. Tried to feel better about myself, but seeing some of those profile pictures have made it stay. Not like I saw any of those pictures posted for others to see either.

I can't take this

How can I believe? So much of it links to it.  The way the conversations go,  the location,  the wants.  2 pictures are on it,  that are only on the phone.  Not posted anywhere for someone to take and use...  The other picture I can't find anywhere.  Most likely uploaded to it then deleted from the phone.  So saying its someone else is bs,  I just can't see how. 

I can't find any trace of it being deleted,  which means its traces were removed.  Meaning most likely all the posts were made with something to hide the trace.

If Im not enough just tell me. If you need someone to satisfy once,  just tell me.  I don't want to be hurt again.  If it truely is you just admit to it.  Lying makes it worse in the end,  I just want the truth.  Even if it will hurt me,  it can be made up for. 

I had a feeling 2 jobs would be a problem. Wanted more time from me I guess.  Maybe it turns you on to know you're secured with someone at home,  and you'd like to have a side. 

Im so scared.  And hurt that you would lie to me about it.  I don't want to be cheated on again. 

Another year

Eventually I'll keep up with this regularly.

This year has been pretty good. The first of the year me and Sam found out we were expecting, my third and his first. Another addition to our family =]. Due September 7th, but anytime after August 17th is when we expect our little princess. It's a girl! I'm really excited to finally have a girl. The boys seem okay with adding, I'm sure nothing will be certain till she actually gets here. BradLee I don't think fully gets the concept of a baby coming.

I'm currently working at the North Market store, still a SAM there. But I'm with David again, who I loved working with before. I've been there since Superbowl week and it's been great being with him again. If I don't move up any more, I'd be find working with him at a store. Once we get separated though I'm not sure how I'll feel.

Me and Sam picked up one of our first joint purchases, also a step to us being one. My 2014 Subaru Impreza WRX wagon. We've had her since January and I'm still absolutely in love with her. I love that we chose to get her. I know he'd probably have much rather had his car replaced, but he chose to take care of mine first.

Addition to the family

2013 brought a new family member. Meet Nymphadora, our new black kitten. We picked her up about a week ago, and she's settled in just fine. She's afraid of our Chinchilla. BradLee torments her, and she sleeps with us. She's pretty playful at the moment.

Since I put off moving back home this summer, right now I'm aiming for vacation at the end of November. I really would like to go to the L.A. Auto Show, it falls the last week of November, I'll have vacation built at work as long as I don't use it when I get it in May, and it'll put me away from here for Thanksgiving. BradLee will be a year older by then so a lay over flight will be easier hopefully, if I travel alone I need it easy, and he can enjoy Disney even more. We can spend Thanksgiving day there, maybe have a dinner at my dad's, if he's still living there then.

I need to actually put to paper or Word my mod list for my car, I'm going to save for parts for it as well as vacation when I can. I need to open a savings account soon to stash money away in. I hot 90,000 in her the other day, which also means to put money away to start replacing things that will need to be at 100,000. That'll be a good time to add an oil cooler, something I've wanted for a little while now.

Hello 2013

All I can say is I'm glad 2012 is over. It was probably the worst year I could have ever had.

I wanted to do a wrap up of the year, but its just not worth it. I enjoyed my trips to Cali and Oklahoma, I plan to go back to both this year. The holiday season ended up being a decent one for me, things started to look up. Now if only they stay up this year.

BradLee turned 3! and Myles turned 6. I can't believe it's been 6 years since Myles arrived. It doesn't seem like it should be that long.

For the first time in 4 years I bought stuff for my self aside from just books. I also got to do more of what I wanted.

Goals for this year are to get back into my writing like I was, I submitted a piece for the Fandoms for storms, and I realized how much I missed writing. I also plan to read more, I missed my goal horrible last year for books read in a year. I lowered the goal this year by a little bit so maybe I can get back into reading like I used to.

This year I get to legally become a single woman, by finalizing my divorce, which I can't wait to do. Only 79 more days till we can petition for a court date. By Feb I'll see a lawyer and get cost so once I have my taxes I can get papers done. Plus I don't have to worry about him just taking BradLee if he ever decides to. Tho I don't think he will, He hasn't seen him since August. I made the effort on Thanksgiving and he didn't show, He made no effort for Christmas either.

I don't know what 2013 has in store, but I entered it with  my boys, maybe it will be a good year.