Wednesday, February 25, 2015
I did not expect to start the year off like this.
Maybe I never got the assurance I needed. The proof that what has happened is it. I want to believe so bad, but how without proof or assurance?
In the end it will all be worth it, but the end is so far away. How do I get by until then?
How do I know it will be okay? How do I know that everything will be okay?
I don't know how to do this.. how to make it. I do what I can but I feel like its not enough. :/ maybe I just really care this time.
Even tho time home happens, it doesn't make the leaving any easier. I try so hard to be okay, but I'm not quite sure I am.
How does this work? How can I be okay? How can I carry about alone for temporary?
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
I didn't really want both jobs to happen, and mainly the money side and that fact that it was kinda wanted made me okay with it. I did what I could to feel okay with it, but something always felt off about it. I suppose now I know why. And I'm pretty sure I worry so much more now. Never really was worried lately about things, but thats changed again. A little bit of trust lost, but can be earned back.
I have some questions, but I don't really know how or if I should ask them. Some are just out of curiousness. And some are to get to know more. I apparently don't know as much as I should. I can't say its easy to just talk about things, un sure of it yourself and what the other would think. I'm sure there's things I've thought about that I haven't said to try or anything.
I can't see how it could have been done, and have no explanation as to why. Maybe I've sucked lately, maybe it was an emotional way to feel better. Maybe thinking it could fix emotional and physical things at home. I don't know. Maybe I've just been hurt by things enough that I can't see how it could be done. Emotionally cheating, physically cheating, they hurt differently.
I've felt unattractive lately, I still kinda do. Tried to feel better about myself, but seeing some of those profile pictures have made it stay. Not like I saw any of those pictures posted for others to see either.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
How can I believe? So much of it links to it. The way the conversations go, the location, the wants. 2 pictures are on it, that are only on the phone. Not posted anywhere for someone to take and use... The other picture I can't find anywhere. Most likely uploaded to it then deleted from the phone. So saying its someone else is bs, I just can't see how.
I can't find any trace of it being deleted, which means its traces were removed. Meaning most likely all the posts were made with something to hide the trace.
If Im not enough just tell me. If you need someone to satisfy once, just tell me. I don't want to be hurt again. If it truely is you just admit to it. Lying makes it worse in the end, I just want the truth. Even if it will hurt me, it can be made up for.
I had a feeling 2 jobs would be a problem. Wanted more time from me I guess. Maybe it turns you on to know you're secured with someone at home, and you'd like to have a side.
Im so scared. And hurt that you would lie to me about it. I don't want to be cheated on again.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
This year has been pretty good. The first of the year me and Sam found out we were expecting, my third and his first. Another addition to our family =]. Due September 7th, but anytime after August 17th is when we expect our little princess. It's a girl! I'm really excited to finally have a girl. The boys seem okay with adding, I'm sure nothing will be certain till she actually gets here. BradLee I don't think fully gets the concept of a baby coming.
I'm currently working at the North Market store, still a SAM there. But I'm with David again, who I loved working with before. I've been there since Superbowl week and it's been great being with him again. If I don't move up any more, I'd be find working with him at a store. Once we get separated though I'm not sure how I'll feel.
Me and Sam picked up one of our first joint purchases, also a step to us being one. My 2014 Subaru Impreza WRX wagon. We've had her since January and I'm still absolutely in love with her. I love that we chose to get her. I know he'd probably have much rather had his car replaced, but he chose to take care of mine first.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Since I put off moving back home this summer, right now I'm aiming for vacation at the end of November. I really would like to go to the L.A. Auto Show, it falls the last week of November, I'll have vacation built at work as long as I don't use it when I get it in May, and it'll put me away from here for Thanksgiving. BradLee will be a year older by then so a lay over flight will be easier hopefully, if I travel alone I need it easy, and he can enjoy Disney even more. We can spend Thanksgiving day there, maybe have a dinner at my dad's, if he's still living there then.
I need to actually put to paper or Word my mod list for my car, I'm going to save for parts for it as well as vacation when I can. I need to open a savings account soon to stash money away in. I hot 90,000 in her the other day, which also means to put money away to start replacing things that will need to be at 100,000. That'll be a good time to add an oil cooler, something I've wanted for a little while now.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I wanted to do a wrap up of the year, but its just not worth it. I enjoyed my trips to Cali and Oklahoma, I plan to go back to both this year. The holiday season ended up being a decent one for me, things started to look up. Now if only they stay up this year.
BradLee turned 3! and Myles turned 6. I can't believe it's been 6 years since Myles arrived. It doesn't seem like it should be that long.
For the first time in 4 years I bought stuff for my self aside from just books. I also got to do more of what I wanted.
Goals for this year are to get back into my writing like I was, I submitted a piece for the Fandoms for storms, and I realized how much I missed writing. I also plan to read more, I missed my goal horrible last year for books read in a year. I lowered the goal this year by a little bit so maybe I can get back into reading like I used to.
This year I get to legally become a single woman, by finalizing my divorce, which I can't wait to do. Only 79 more days till we can petition for a court date. By Feb I'll see a lawyer and get cost so once I have my taxes I can get papers done. Plus I don't have to worry about him just taking BradLee if he ever decides to. Tho I don't think he will, He hasn't seen him since August. I made the effort on Thanksgiving and he didn't show, He made no effort for Christmas either.
I don't know what 2013 has in store, but I entered it with my boys, maybe it will be a good year.